Imagine you're a witch and your coven is awaiting delivery of a sacrificial goat, only instead of a goat it's a cocky young man, and instead of ritualistic chanting there is lightly saucy badinage. You decide whether you fancy the man based on his skills - doing the funky worm, flexing his muscles, taking his shirt off - while he decides Best uk dating shows on television he fancies you based on your ability to keep upright on your skyscraper heels under the weight of hairspray and false eyelashes.
If you're the chosen one, Paddy McGuinness will send you off on a date to the mythical isle of Fernando's, so you'd better be ready to put on a bikini and drink giant cocktails. If you're not chosen, you await the arrival of the next goat.
Chances of getting laid: Guess what, gay people feel just the same way about it. Let's hope the NHS comes up smelling of Rose.
The secret to making it in radio. The Thinking Drinkers guide to Valentine's Day. How to woo your Valentine with really strong cocktails. Nine great aphrodisiac foods — and one to avoid. MTV's Date My Mom - where you go on dates with a selection of moms in order to choose whose offspring to be paired up with, then when you have sex with them you can't stop picturing their mom - wasn't warped enough for your taste.
Thankfully they then begat Parental Control: They then sit at home with your boyfriend, trading insults while they watch video footage of you on dates with each of the suitors; after which, you choose whether to stay with your boyfriend, or ditch him for one of your parents' selections.
Or you cut off contact with all concerned Best uk dating shows on television privately self-flagellate until you're suitably repentant for having so grossly exploited your relationship. Chances of finding love: Chances of catching an STI: After weeks of battering you right in your weakest spots, you are magically much less of a twat, so pick up somebody in a bar and go on a dinner date with them while the team spies on you from a van parked outside.
For months afterwards, you're convinced a van is following you. Chance of getting laid: Chances of eventually having to change your phone number because Jeremy keeps calling asking if he can crash on your sofa: are a woman who prides herself on her unerring gaydar, so you agree to live on a Mexican ranch with a dozen men, half of whom are hiding the fact that they are gay.
The gay contestants therefore have twice as much financial incentive to deceive you into loving them, so you do. Then you're left impoverished and heartbroken, with only host June Sarpong for company. Do dinner dates help you get laid? The way to your heart is through your stomach. For the next three nights you go to a stranger's house and try to get to know them whilst they burn steaks and flap at the smoke alarm.
At the end of the ordeal, of course you choose the nicest person rather than the best cook, so the dinner is actually redundant. But this is one of the few dating shows you can go Best uk dating shows on television if you're older than 25, so you don't complain.
You defer the choice of your true love to a panel containing a 'relationship expert' and two of your family or friends. Do NOT choose your ex to be on the panel.
Someone did, and learnt the hard way that the emotional wounds were still suppurating. The panel filter a coach load of singles with X Factor-style auditions: Then the panel root through the shortlisted singletons' homes for incriminating evidence such as dirty underpants; if they survive that, and haven't committed many previous relationship transgressions, they move in with you.
Indeed, why bother with fun footloose dating when you can just fast-track to the point in the relationship where you argue about washing up? Then, if the contender complains too much during couply activities such as camping trips and cooking tuna pasta for your mates, the panel will replace them with another one.
Chances of success if you defer all your Best uk dating shows on television life choices to a panel: Enter presenter Louise Roe, who is so tall and glamorous that even Gisele Bundchen would feel dumpy standing next to her; and yet, under her firm but kindly tutelage, you begin to blossom.
You learn to chat up men in supermarkets.
You confront your phobias, by going skydiving or plunging your hand into a bucket of creepy-crawlies, and are rewarded with a makeover - ta da! Not you, with your new-found confidence and ability to plunge your hand into a bucket of creepy-crawlies!
You are either a rich person seeking a gold-digger or a gold-digger seeking a rich person. You have a high level of tolerance for being screamed at by the Millionaire MatchmakerPatti Stanger, because Patti hates: So you go on a date in a private helicopter to an exotic beach and drink champagne. Chances of getting married: You're strolling around town when you're accosted by Davina McCall and a camera crew.
After a grilling from Davina which establishes you are single and horny, you spend the afternoon trawling the crowds for someone you fancy - a bit like a real life Tinder. Skunk-striped hair is pan-gender. The date is so boozy, you temporarily forget that choosing someone on looks alone doesn't mean you'll hit it off.
All you want in life' is to hear Our Graham announce your name as you walk on set.
If you have to choose one of three strangers only by asking them banal questions to which they respond in tortuous wordplay, so be it. You make your choice.
You arrange your face into an expression which you hope won't betray either disappointment or arousal when a backstage minion cranks away the screen to reveal Should have gone for the boring option rather than being swayed by the whoops of the audience.
You choose an exciting date from Cilla's handful of envelopes - will it be skiing in Switzerland? Definitely not if you're one of Best uk dating shows on television geriatric couples; you're going on a date on a steam train, grandma!
Afterwards, Cilla shouts, "Lorra lorra lorra new hat? The dates were so chaste, the couple often stayed in two separate hotels. Blind Date spawned at least three marriages, the first of which is still going strong more than twenty-five years later. Helen Zaltzman is a radio presenter, writer and comedian. She co-hosts the award-winning comedy podcast Answer Me This.